Public Vote on my Query Letter (First line)

So this Saturday, I attending a workshop by the Georgia Writer’s Association. (Oh, fyi, for those who didn’t know, I’m in Georgia now). The topic was Becoming a Published Author and it was taught by Ann Hite, author of Ghost on Black Mountain, and other Southern/Appalachian books. There was a lot of good Q & A, but what I’m bringing to the table here is a re-work on my Query Letter. For those who do not know, a query letter is an e-mail or letter that you send to an Agent or Publisher to get them interested in your book/story/whatever. It’s not meant to be a full synopsis, but rather a short but power pitch; just a flash of what your story is about to get them hooked and wanting to see more. Needless to say, the first line is very important. So in an effort to improve my query letter, I’ve been experimenting with some new opening lines.

I would like to take a poll on which ones are your favorite. If you don’t know what my book is about, that’s perfect. Neither do the Agents or Publishers whom I am sending it to. You may vote for more than one.

First, this is how my old Query Letter began:
To most, the blessing of eternal youth would be the most sought after gift in the world.  But for an 18th century governess condemned to a life sentence in a dungeon it becomes a twisted curse.

And here are the new (and hopefully improved) candidates:

  1. What if a spirit which cannot die, a woman that does not age, and a family oath that must never be broken collide in 1865 to change the course of the world?
  2. What if you were blessed with eternal youth and then faced with a choice; surrender your soul in exchange for forbidden power, or declare war against the ten most dangerous Demons on Earth?
  3. Since the earliest days of mankind, ten evil spirits have been possessing the bodies of the most wicked and deadly warriors, going unchallenged until they come across a 100 year old woman in a prison.
  4. What if a secret war between supernatural Heroes and paranormal Demons was hiding between the lines of our folklore and history?
  5. Imagine if, unbeknownst to history, what could have been the greatest tragedy of 1865 was prevented by a household governess from 1789?

All I need is a quick reply such as, “I like 1,2 and 4.” If you would like to leave additional comments and critiques, you are more than welcome to. Thank you!


4 thoughts on “Public Vote on my Query Letter (First line)”

  1. Well, I liked the original one best. I showed it to my mom, however, because she doestn’t know what your story is about. She said the ones that intriged her were 4 and the original one; 4 much more so because it talks about the grand scale of history we may have misunderstood and the original seems to be talking about a localized event, but those were her two favorites. Good luck!


  2. I like 3 and 4 the best–I like the fact that 3 is a statement and not a question like the others. It’s a more powerful and descriptive image that you as the author/’creator of worlds’ give to a reader than asking them to create their own answer to the question. All of them are intriguing, but I like the statement sentance structure best. Good luck 🙂


  3. I like 1 and 5, 1 best. Looking forward to the Audio Version

    Love and best wishes,

    Grandpa B.

    Sent from Windows Mail


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